EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL
According to Wikipedia, Emotional blackmail and FOG, terms coined by psychotherapist Susan Forward, are about controlling people in relationships and the theory that fear, obligation and guilt (“FOG”) are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.
First, I would like to state here that you have no obligation to stay in any relationship you do not fancy anymore. Recently, I decided to let go of someone—a friend. Though I tried my best to salvage our dwindling friendship but there were so many contradictions and complications. Now, from what I’ve noticed, the same person is going around painting me black, which is understandable because a few hurtful words were uttered and egos bruised. Understandable but not acceptable I must say. Though the whole experience had me feeling guilty but I stopped and realised that this was just a mind game trying to revert me back to a position that I didn’t crave for anymore.
Briefly, I would like to explain the whole dynamics of emotional blackmail. One of its key components is the emotional prison which most emotional blackmailers try to keep their victims in. Some of the ways these emotional blackmailers keep their victims trapped is by using threats such as obligation, fear and guilt. But I want to place more emphasis on guilt which can be a potent tool even after the victim breaks away. In most cases, guilt is implied and has to do with the victim’s mind. When one breaks away from a bad relationship, one of the things that follows such persons is guilt. The feeling that you’ve left someone you cared about hurts, the feeling that your actions are selfish and for some awkward reason you feel it’s your fault. With such feeling encrypted in your sub-conscious, you give room for an emotional blackmailer to perpetually return to your life and at the same time feel obligated to.
Some of the ways one can overcome this are as follows:
- Know what you want and set boundaries. Knowing what you want is easier said than done. Most people have a vague sense of who they are and what they want, making them permeable to strange suggestions. Don’t give people such as the emotional blackmailer the luxury to sneak back into your life like they would always try to do. Set boundaries and adhere to them strictly.
- Don’t give into their demands. Whatever they want, as long as you’re not comfortable with it and it’s not in your best interest, bluntly resist.
- Understand that you have the right to choose whosoever you want to relate with.
- Recognise that you are—to a large extent—not responsible for the actions and reactions of people.
Once you’re out of this setup, have it at the back of your mind that they—the emotional blackmailers—won’t just stop there. They will resort to other petty things like calling you names, painting you bad to your friends and their friends as well. Do your best to protect your name and confront such people when the opportunity presents itself, without violence I must stress. Such persons are afraid of confrontation because the hate and rumours they are banking on to use against you are baseless and your assertiveness will go a long way in proving that.
prynczzwonda 